


Why does love always feel like a battlefield?

by skyblue993



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, College AU, Drama, J&C never got together after 2x21, Jonnor - Freeform, M/M, Mention of alcohol, Parties, S3 never happened, Will they make it or break it?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-05-26 17:52:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6249667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyblue993/pseuds/skyblue993
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Title of this fic from the song: "Battlefield" By Jordin Sparks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm out here without a shield, can't go back, now.

Lena Adams and Stef Foster couldn't stop crying.

“Moms.. please, I C-can't breathe.”

They squeezed their youngest son into a breathtaking hug.

“Our baby..” Lena cried, gently caressing his hair.

“Mom.. I'm just going to college.. I'm not going to war.”

“Yeah..” Stef agreed, pulling away and wiping her tears “But you're our-”

“Don't start saying that I'm your baby and I'm growing up so fast please..”Jude quickly cut her off.

Lena laughed, finally letting him breathe, the both of them were staring at him proudly.

They helped him dragging his suitcases inside of his room.

“Whoa..” Jude let out a sigh full of wonder , looking at the surroundings.

The dorm room was cold, unpersonal and empty except for basic furnitures.. but thinking about that dorm room being his “Home” for the next few years was enough to make him feel chills of excitement running down his spine.

He felt sorry for leaving his home, but at the same time he was thrilled to start a new exciting chapter of his life; He promised himself after all.. after the miserable years spent moping and torturing himself over _him._

It wasn't very big, but it was cozy.. there were two bedrooms so he would have had at least some privacy.

He noticed though, that the one room had the door closed, so he assumed his new roommate was inside.

He was tempted to knock, but he didn't want to be intrusive.. so he just turned down the idea.

“So... I guess that's it.”

Jude laughed, hugging his moms again.

“I'll see you very soon”

“Call us, if you need anything.. “

Jude nodded, smiling brightly.. he loved his moms, so much. They kissed him on the cheeks before heading home.

 

He finished unpacking his things when he heard someone knocking at the door.

He opened it, and there was a tiny blonde girl standing in front of him, smiling at him widely.

“Hey Tay.”

She had a smile so bright on her lips that was contagious.

She threw herself into his arms.

“Can you believe it?” She said with excitement in her voice.”We're finally at UCLA!”

“Yeah..” Jude agreed with a smile, returning her warm gesture.

“We can finally leave the past behind us” He said resolutely. Taylor just nodded in agreement.

“So.. I've been invited to this party tonight.” She announced nonchalantly. She knew how Jude hated going to parties or noisy places.

Jude rolled his eyes, but there was a hint of a smile on his lips, so Taylor tried her luck.

“Can we go? Please, Please, Please?”

Jude nodded.

“What?” he asked, noticing the stunned expression on his best friend's face.

She shaked her head.

“Um.. I'm Just surprised, I guess..” Jude laughed, laying an arm around her shoulder pulling her into a hug.

“ I definitely owe it to you.”

She smiled, tightening her grip.

“Of course Jude.. what he did was-” Jude held her tightly, closing his eyes and letting out a short intake of breath.

She couldn't finish her sentence, she knew. Jude's body language spoke louder than words.

They pulled away after a while.

“Let's go then.”

 

Jude definitely was a lightweight.

The Last time he drank alcohol, something horrible happened with disastreous consequences.

He didn't dare. He couldn't.

Taylor though, was totally cool with it. And that always surprised Jude. It happened in her house, after all.

“Tay.. I think it's enough.” He tried to grab her red cup from her hands, but she shrugged off his touch, glaring at him.

“Have some fun!! C-Come on! It's our first night!” She slurred, filling a cup with beer and holding it to him.

Jude didn't know what to do.. he didn't want to, but He didn't want to be lame on their first party night. So he just thought:

“It's just one cup, What could possibly go wrong?”

The answer was: everything. Because one cup became two, two became four.. and Jude at some point was even more wasted than Taylor.

His sight was blurred, his brain was fuzzy.. and the sight of one particular boy walking past the front door didn't help.

He grabbed Taylor by her elbow, shaking her small frame, with panic all over his features.

“Oh my God, Tay! That's Jean-Luc.” Taylor gasped, narrowing her eyes looking through the crowd for the said guy.

“Jean-Luc as...?” Jude nodded.

The said guy was Jude's first boyfriend.. they dated for six months and then Jude found out that he was cheating on him throughout the whole time they were dating.

“Such an ass!” Taylor commented with a disgusted expression on her face.

“Oh My God.. He saw me!” Jude said panicking “What I'm gonna do Tay?”

“What?” Jude asked, noticing the mischievous smirk spreading on her lips.

“Kiss someone!”

Jude's eyes widened Despite his eyelids were heavy and his sight was blurry because for the alcohol.

“Are you fucking high?!”  
Taylor bursted out in laughters, eliciting some glares from the people near them.

“There!” She pointed with her finger at some guy about Jude's height, sandy hair, well built shoulders, and Jude could add, a definitely nice ass.

Jude rolled his eyes with a snort.

“Tay... I Don't-”

Taylor cut him off.

“He's coming here!”

Jude closed his eyes, rushing towards this guy.

He felt so much resentment, that he wanted to teach his former boyfriend a lesson.

After he caught him cheating on him with his soccer teammate and Jude abruptly broke up with him, Jean-Luc never stopped begging for his forgiveness, Jude never did.

As He was approaching this guy, he felt his pulse racing, his heart hammering against his chest like it could explode. Despite the insanity of the situation and the alcohol running through his system, He felt reckless and alive. His whole body buzzing with energy.

He came to a stop in front of this guy. He was standing with his back towards him, talking with some guy he barely recognized as the host of the party.

He quickly turned around to see Jean-Luc standing on the other side of the room, looking at him with blazing eyes.

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He suddenly grabbed this guy's arm turning him around and before he could process what was happening Jude's lips were sealed against his.

Jude's eyes were closed so he couldn't witness this guy's reaction.

He only felt his dry lips against his, firm and idle. Then he felt him relaxing into the kiss, moving his lips against Jude's.

 

Jude could only remember passionate kisses, the stranger's soft touch on his skin, lips running down his neck.

He remembered laughter, moans, and the guy's weight on top of his small frame.

The rest of his memories, were a complete blackout.

 

“Ughh...” Jude groaned, running his hands on his face.

He opened his eyes, immediately regretting his decision.

He felt like someone was hitting inside of his head with a hammer. The pain was too much to handle. He couldn't function.

He felt confused and disoriented.

“What happened?” He asked, wrapping the sheets around his small frame.

He finally opened his eyes, and he realized that he was in his room. He let out a sigh of relief.

His relief had short life, though.

His gaze shifted to the other side of the bed, and he let out a scream.

“What the fuck are you doing in my bed?”  
The guy jerked awake, looking at him with wide eyes while Jude pulled his sheets around him even tighter.

The guy parted his lips trying to formulate a logical explanation, but nothing came out. He was as confused as Jude.

Jude couldn't explain, couldn't process anything else.. He thought he'd made it, he thought he'd escaped from him.

“What the fuck are you doing in my room?!” Jude asked, getting up from the bed.

At that question, The guy finally spoke. His voice made Jude's heart clench.

“What the fuck are **you** doing in my room?!”

“No, no , no, no, no.” Jude started pacing around the room, not giving a crap about this guy thinking about him as a demented.

“This is not happening.” Jude repeated, running his hands through his hair.

He kept talking and walking with wide eyes and the sheets barely covering his body.

The guy kept sitting up on Jude's bed, looking at him bewildered.

“W-we can't.” Jude announced, finally stopping on his insane pacing, and looking at him with a resolute expression on his face.

“I'm not sharing this dorm room with you, Connor Stevens.”

 


	2. Both hands tied behind my back for nothing.

Jude quickly gathered his clothes from the floor, and with sheets wrapped around his body he left the room.

He went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

He bent over the sink, washing his face.. trying to soothe some of the sudden warmth spreading on his cheeks.

He looked up at his mirrow's reflection, and his eyes were huge and dilated.

“This can't be happening.”

He worked so hard and now every attempts, every sacrificies he'd made, the tears he'd shed. He felt to be right back where he started.

He try to collect himself, and not showing to that.. ass, how destroyed he felt.

He got dressed and then he left the bathroom heading towards the kitchen. He found him there, sitting at the kitchen table.  
He walked past him, without even deem him of one glance. He opened the fridge pouring a glass of orange juice.

“Um..” Jude, closed his eyes shut at the sound of his voice.

“Please, Don't.”

He turned around and welcomed Connor with a glacial stare.

He sat down at the kitchen table, trying to ignore his persistent gaze.

“Jude..”

Jude kept ignoring his existence until Connor cleared his throat and threw some of his cereals at Jude, a weak attempt of getting his attention.

Jude's eyes widened and he let out a surprise laugh.

“What are you, five?”

“What's the point of ignoring me?”

Jude rolled his eyes. He couldn't believe it.

“Are you seriously asking that question?! Really?”

Connor shrugged.

“ _It_ happened.. you kissed me and..” Jude interrupted him, with eyes blown wide.

“Excuse me? That's my fault. That's what you're basically saying.”

Connor didn't know what to do or what to say to make things better.

“I-I'm not saying that this is your fault, or my fault.. it just happened.”

Jude ran his hands on his face in frustration.

“I kissed you, because I wanted to make someone Jealous!” Jude spat out and for a moment, he actually felt bad noticing the slight hint of hurt on Connor's face. It was gone though, after a second.

He looked away, and then he cleared his throat, before looking back at Jude.

“Listen.. There's nothing we can do to-” Jude parted his lips to interrupt him once again, but Connor was faster, he grabbed his arm and Jude felt his skin going on fire.

He hated that he still had this power over him.

Connor didn't notice the physical contact, he kept talking.

“We need to leave the past behind us, Jude.”

“ _I did, I finally did.. but then I screwed it up”_ Jude thought.

He finally looked up at him, and he felt unleashed tears at the corner of his eyes, he tried to hold it back. He didn't want to show him how much he still affected Jude. How much Connor's hazel eyes were capable of tear him apart.

“We can do that, right?” Connor asked, and only in that moment he noticed his hand grabbing Jude's arm. He quickly took it off.

“Jude.” Connor said, and Jude finally spoke:

“I can't leave all behind us, Connor..” This time was Connor was ready to reply, and Was Jude that interrupted him.

“.. But I guess we can give it a try.” He announced with a sigh, getting up from the table like he'd just signed the Treaty of Peace of 1919.

“This will be the most awkward living arrangement ever” He heard Connor commenting, as he was leaving the dorm room to go to his first class.

 

Taylor wished she had her ear plugs. He loved Jude, he loved listening to his problems and helping him figuring things out. But when he started rambling, and ranting, and vomiting words after words..

“... I can't believe this! You had to see him.!” And then he started doing his impression _“ We need to leave the past behind us, Jude!”._

Taylor kept biting at her lunch, praying and praying about something to happen. Anything.

“It's all your fault.”

Taylor felt lucky that she swallowed down , because she gasped in surprise.

“My fault?”

“Yes” and then he said, doing her impression. _“Kiss someone Jude!”_

Taylor was too shocked at that moment, to actually laugh.

“Okay.. you need to stop blaming on people.” Jude rolled his eyes, and Taylor cupped his face into her hands making him look at her.

“Take a deep breath.”

Jude did what she told him to do.

“Now.. repeat after me.” and then when he started to laugh, Taylor gave him a warning glare.

“I'm strong.”  
Jude rolled his eyes.

“Taylor, really?” Another stern look and Jude complied.

“I'm strong.” Taylor nodded.

“I'm beautiful.” Jude repeated, even though he bit his lips from letting out a laugh.

“I'm not gonna let anyone, take me down.”

Jude repeated.

“And I love with all my heart my best friend, and I will give her an amazing foot massage later in order to prove it to her.”

Jude almost said it.

 

He got back into his dorm room, letting out a deep sigh as soon as he stepped inside.

“That's the right spirit.” Connor's commented, briefly looking at him from his seat on the couch, before looking back at the tv screen.

Jude snorted, leaving his books on the coffee table before sitting down on the couch, obviously keeping safe distance between the two of them.

He looked through the corner of his eyes, Connor's lips parting and then closing it again.

“Good, he saved me one of his lame comments” Jude thought, his lips tugging up in a smirk.

“So..” Connor totally ignored Jude rolling his eyes. " Who was the guy you wanted to make jealous?”  
“My ex.” He simply replied, Connor shifted closer on the couch and Jude tried to not freak out about their proximity.

“Oh so you're..”  
“.. Gay, yeah. I thought you figured that out already.” He replies sassily, with a blush on his cheeks.

He had to ask though.  
“W-what about you?”

“I.. I am Gay.”

Jude swore his heart stopped beating for few seconds.

Luckily he started beating again, hard and fast against his chest.

Jude actually thought that for Connor, the previous night's events, were only fueled by the adrenaline spreading through their bodies.

He didn't actually consider that Connor was gay. He only considered, from Connor's prospective, a drunk mistake.

He wasn't gay, he dated Daria.

“W-when did this happen?”

Connor laughed, looking embarassed.

“I think ages ago..”

Jude's eyes widened.

“But Daria...”

“Daria was a phase.” He said, and then Jude's saw something in Connor's eyes. They were filled with a dark shadow, Like the memory of that period was eliciting some sad memories out of him.

But.. Jude couldn't understand, they were happy, _He chose Daria over him._

Connor must have noticed Jude's confusion all over his face, because he shifted even closer on the couch looking at him deeply.

“Jude..” Jude looked up, and Connor's eyes were sad but at the same time clear like the ocean.

He wondered if it was true what they say about eyes being the mirrow of our soul.

He felt lost in the depth of his eyes for a long moment, before snapping back into reality. Hitting him hard and sharp.

“ _Connor told him it was all your idea, the sneaking out, the drinking, all of it.”_

“ _I think he's a bad influence on you.”_

“ _I don't think you guys should be hanging out anymore.”_

 

“Okay.” Jude said sharply, getting up from the couch “Good for you.”

“Good for me?”Connor asked, looked at him with huge confused eyes.

Jude nodded, heading towards his room, closing the door behind him and letting hot tears running down his cheeks.

He refused to fall down into the rabbit hole again , he couldn't let him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> double update today (of two different stories though ) just because I finally got over a really hard time , and I felt good enough to write two updates :)  
> thanks for the comments and kudos.  
> Let me know what you think of this :)


	3. These times when we climb so fast to fall, again.

 

As usual, like ever other morning, Jude and Connor were having breakfast in absolute silence, when they heard someone knocking at the door.

Connor got up from his seat, walking towards the door letting out a loud yawn.

He opened the door, and he blinked few times.

“Um.. Can I help you?”

A guy about his height with light blonde hair and green eyes was looking at him.

He seemed like blindsided by Connor's presence. He was glaring at him with lips slightly parted and eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Hello?!” Connor said, waving his hand in front of the guy's face.

The guy kept looking at him, intensely. His chest lifting up in deep breaths.

“What's going on?” Jude's voice broke the silence showing up on the threeshold.

“Jean-Luc.” Jude said, blushing a bit. “W-what are you doing here?”

The guy took a deep breath and he finally spoke, addressing to Jude with a smile.

“I was wondering if you wanted to grab some breakfast.” Jude was taken aback by this visit, and he let out a nervous laugh, scratching the back of his neck.

“Um.. Actually, I just had breakfast.”

Connor knew that at this point he should have left them alone, give them some privacy; He couldn't help but stand there, with arms crossed, listening to every single word.

Jude of course noticed.

Jean- Luc nodded in defeat letting out a sigh.

“Listen, _mon chéri._ ” Connor snorted at that, and Jean-Luc glared at him before adding:

“I know I've screwed up.. and I'm regretting it, every single day of my life.”

Connor glanced at Jude, and he kept listening completely unaffected by the guy's words.

“ _Tu me manques, mon petit chou_.”

Connor tried to refrain a laugh, and Jude pinched him in the hip without dislodging his unaffected stare from Jean-Luc.

Jude cleared his throat, letting out a giggle.

“Um... That's very nice of you..”

“ _Friendzoned”_   Connor thought, amused.

“But... You see, I'm kinda of seeing someone..”

Connor's eyed widened, feeling surprised and quite upset by the information. So Jude had someone and still, he slept with him in order to make his ex jealous?

“What kind of person does this kind of things.” Connor thought.

Then Jude kept talking, and what he said next, left him even more shocked and surprised.

“I'm dating Connor.” He said, with a nod of his head in his direction.

“W-”

Jude pinched him again, and Connor understood.

“I don't believe you.” Jean-Luc said with a tone of challenge, crossing his arms to his chest.

“It's true, Jean-Luc. Deal with it.”

Jean-Luc had a doubtful expression on his face, so Connor tried to make the situation more believable.

He wrapped his arm around Jude's waist, pulling him towards his chest and resting his head on his shoulder.

The touch between their bodies, made Connor feel chills running down his spine.

He felt Jude going rigid in his arms. He heard him letting out a short intake of breath before relaxing in his arms.  
“Babe.. “ Connor whispered in his ear, loudly enough to be audible by the guy in front of them.

“Come on.. it's not nice to leave things halfway done.” He added with a smirk. He felt Jude tense for a moment but then he started caressing Connor's hands resting on his waist.

The touch made Connor feel sparks of electricity running through his whole body.

“Sorry, Jean-Luc.. as you heard I have to take care of..” He gave him a smirk. “.. Something.”

The poor guy nodded “You'll come back to me, someday.” He said, feeling very confident of his charm.

“ Dream on.” Connor retorted, closing the door behind them.

As soon as they pulled away, they both felt an unpleasant void in their chest, but obviously the both of them were pretending the contrary.

“Thank you.” Jude said, sitting down on the couch.

“ _That_ was the prick you wanted to make jealous? That french pompous dumbass?”

Connor flinched at how Jude's eyes went wide and pissed in no time.

“So what? You're an _american pompous dumbass_.”

“Thank you.” Connor said.

“You're welcome.” Jude retorted, and then he added. “And let me guess, you think you're better than him?!”

Connor feel anger rising up from the pit of his stomach, feeling dumbfounded by Jude's ungrateful attitude.

“Fuck you.” He said, letting out a strained laugh.

Jude looked at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“Excuse me?”

“Do I need to repeat myself? Oh Okay. Fuck you.” and before Jude could replied, Connor added:

“I know _I am_ better than him.”

“How do you know that?” Jude retorted.

Connor was getting frustrated. He let out a groan, covering his face into his hands.

“I am! Because I would never have left you.” He snapped, feeling surprised by the words came out of his lips.

Jude couldn't refrain the amused laugh out of his throat, as he got up from the couch.

“You did.” Jude said with a low pitched tone.

“What?” Jude shook his head, and Connor's confusion increased across his features.

“Never mind.” Jude cut him off, leaving the room.

Connor laid down on the couch, covering his face with his arm.

“I will never, in a million years, understand this guy.” He sighed.

 

******

Connor came back from his lessons, closing softly the door behind him.

He let out a sigh, stepping in the dorm room, it felt always like that. Since day number one, he felt an uncomfortable air every time he was in the room.

“Maybe I should ask if there's another room available.” He thought, dropping his books on the coffee table.

“Hi.” He jerked around, feeling his pulse racing.

“Oh my fucking God, Jude.”

He laughed, and Connor felt his heart racing.. but definitely not because of the scary.

“You scared the hell out of me.”

He gave another laugh, and Connor found himself smiling.

“Oh I'm glad you think this is funny, I could have had a stroke, you know.”

“Just promise me you're gonna leave your xbox to me.” He joked, sitting down on the couch.

Connor felt himself being puzzled, and a doubt began to creep into his mind.

“Are you suffering from a personality desorder?”

His eyes widened, because he didn't even realize he'd said it out loud. Jude looked at him with wide eyes for three long seconds before bursting out in laughter.

“What?!” He asked, wiping his eyes. He literally started crying with laughter.

Connor felt himself smiling too, because it felt nice.. laughing with Jude. He'd missed it.

He sat down on the couch, smiling apologetically.

“I- I'm sorry.. it's just.. you're so moody.” he said “ And.. I really want to leave the past behind us, but you seem really clinged to the past.”

“I am..” Jude confessed, looking down on his fiddling hands “ You were my best friend, and.. losing you was one of the most painful things I've ever felt.” Connor's heart started hammering against his chest at the confession. He'd felt the same, like a persistent void in his heart.

“Me too.” He said, and Jude lifted up his gaze on Connor's.

“I'm sorry, about what I said this morning.. about you being an american pompous dumbass.” Jude said with a sad smile. “You're not pompous.”

Connor laughed.

“So, are you saying I'm just an american dumbass?” Connor joked, trying to make that conversation lighter.  
Jude nodded, still laughing.

“You're none of that, and I really want to try.. to reckindle our.. _friendship._ ” Connor felt pain through his chest at the word _friendship_ , but he wasn't showing it to Jude. He tried to seem unaffected and glad by giving this friendship a try.

“Me too.” Connor agreed and then he added “I missed you.” Jude blushed and Connor quickly added: “ As a friend.”

“Me too.” Jude said.

There was an awkward silence for like three minutes, until Jude shifted uncomfortably on the couch, facing Connor.

“Um.. Listen, I don't want you to think that I've said those things just because I'm going to ask you a favour." Jude made it clear  "I really missed you as a friend, and I'm really glad we're giving this a try and-”

Connor interrupted his rambling with a hand on Jude's arm.

“Jude. What is it?” He asked with a smile.

Jude blushed violently, and Connor knew.. he knew what he was going to ask him. He just waited for the words to come out of Jude's lips.

He swallowed, Looking deeply into Connor's eyes.

Once Jude said those words out loud, Connor nodded immediately with a crimson blush on his cheeks.

 


	4. I guess you better go and get your armor.

 

“Are you sure?” Jude asked Connor for the millionth time, and each time Connor just rolled his eyes, giving him a nod. “You don't have to.. really, Connor.”

“Jude.. I'll help you out.. that's what friends are for, right?” Connor managed to crack a smile, even though his body was trembling.

Jude looked at him with an uncertain expression on his face. He didn't want to force him. What he asked wasn't right.. He was aware of that.

“I Know..” Jude sighed “But.. pretending we're dating..” He let out another sigh. “I don't want to make you uncomfortable, so.. I need to know that you're 100% on board.”

Connor smiled, more genuinely that time.

“I'm on board..” and then a soft blush spread across his cheeks “I mean.. We had sex..”

Jude felt his breath caught in his throat. It was like a mutual agreement, neither of them talked about that delicate topic before that moment.

The memory still made his body aching. Mostly because he only remembered shivers and pants that were enough to make him feel dizzy, and not for alcohol related reasons.

“Yeah..” He said, letting out a nervous giggle. “ We did..”  
“I think we can manage some hand holding..”

“And kisses.” Jude added. “This needs to be believable.”

“S-sure..” Connor stuttered.” Kisses. Got it.”

“Speaking of..” Jude said, suddenly lowering down his gaze. “I-I wanted to apologize.. for my reaction that morning..” Connor was shaking his head in disagreement, but Jude kept talking.

“No, Connor.. I started things. I put you in this mess. I shouldn't have blamed you.”

“It's okay, Jude.” Connor smiled. “I mean... Hooking with strangers at parties is such a College cliché.. It could have happened with another guy..” Connor was trying to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal. He didn't know, but It was for Jude.

“Yeah..” He said, letting out a strangled laugh. “H-have you had sex before?”  
Connor blushed at the sudden question, but he nodded affirmatively.

“You?”

“ _No.” Jude thought. “My first time was with you.”_

“Yeah..” He uttered, with a dismissive tone. “ Of course.”

“Okay.” Connor said, getting up from the couch. “ So.. It's a deal.”

“It's a deal..” Jude repeated, looking up at his “fake boyfriend.”, shaking his hand like to seal the deal.

 

The next morning they both had breakfast in complete silence, like usual. After that they both got dressed and took their books, ready for their first class of the day.

Jude waited for Connor in the entry hall, fiddling nervously with his fingers.

“You're ready?” Connor asked offering his hand, giving him an encouraging smile. Jude returned the smile, holding his hand.

The sudden touch of their fingers intertwining made them feel goosebumps running on their skin.

It felt like sparks.  
Neither of them said nothing though, they just stepped outside of the room in complete silence.

The awkwardness and anxiety cause by holding Connor's hand, started to fade away as they were walked down the hallways.

Jude always imagined how would have felt like to hold Connor's hand. He never had the chance in the past.

“It's weird.” Jude thought as they were walking towards class, peeking a glance at Connor. “ Good weird, though.” He realized, glancing down at their hands.

He looked up again at Connor who looked very relaxed. He had a peaceful expression on his face that made it hard to believe that that was just a facade.

In that moment, Jude wished it wasn't a facade, And that scared the hell out of him.

He loosened the grip on Connor's hand and The gesture didn't go unnoticed by the blonde guy.

“Are you okay?” Connor asked with a frown. “It's it too much?”

Jude shook his head, feeling his cheeks getting warmer, regaining the grip on his hand.

“It's just..” He was having a hard time finding the right words.

“Strange?” Connor answered for him.

“Yes..”

“Don't be nervous.” Connor said. “We will get used to it..”

“Right. I'm sorry Connor.”

Connor glared at him.

“Don't apologize!” He snorted, letting out a groan.

“It's just-”

“Jude.. I accepted it. For God sake.” That time was Connor who loosened up the grip on their hands. After few seconds he actually dislodged his hand completely from Jude's.

Jude's breath hitched at the loss of warmth.  
“Are you mad?” Connor didn't reply, he started walking ahead of Jude, rushing on his steps.

“Connor wait!”

Connor stopped on his track, and the harsh expression on his face made Jude's heart clench.

“Why can't you even pretend to like me?!” He blurted out, letting out a frustrated groan.

Jude mouth was agape, Letting out shorts uneven puffs of air.

“You're right.” Jude was feeling insecure and he was aware that he was acting like a _little bitch._ Yeah.. in his head he used the exact same words Connor said to him once.

He lowered down his gaze, feeling ashamed of his own behaviour. He heard rushing steps in his direction and as soon as he lifted up his eyes, he was met with Connor's lips on his.

His eyes widened for a moment, closing 5 seconds later as he felt Connor's hand lacing behind his neck pulling him close.

He parted his lips, letting Connor's tongue to slide inside. His hands lacing around his waist.

He felt himself lost as Connor lips were moving insistently against his.

He always wondered how Connor's lips would have tasted and he got the answer in that moment.

They felt like cotton candy, So light and tasty and addicting.

Connor pulled away after what it felt like forever.Jude opened his eyes staring deeply into Connor's.

“Woah.”

Jude let out a giggle, feeling his lips warm and swollen, Probably red.

He couldn't dislodged his gaze from Connor. It felt like a spell fell on them But then, like every magic trick, it disappeared.

He felt an uncomfortable feeling cracking up like someone was insistently looking at him. He shifted his gaze and he saw his former boyfriend glaring at them. He then realized why Connor kissed him.

“Don't look.” Connor whispered. “I think he actually bought it.” He said, letting out a giggle as he was caressing his cheek.

“Oh.. right.” Jude replied looking back at Connor, cracking a weak smile..

He couldn't even admit to himself in that moment, that that kiss turned his stomach upside down.

 

 


	5. Don't even know what we're fighting for.

“Hey Connor!”

“Hey J. What's up?”  
“My friend..” Jordan began to say, sitting next to him during lunch break. “, you have to crash this party with me, tonight! It's gonna be a blast.”  
Connor laughed, lifting an eyebrow as he was well aware of Jordan's definition of Blast. “What  _kind_  of party, Jordan?”

“Well..” Jordan looked at Connor with hesitant eyes before saying. “Mary Jane from the swimming team got the key of the indoors pool and-”

“Oh Jesus.” Connor groaned, knowing that were probably going to get into trouble for sneaking into the School's Olympic pool at night.

“Oh come on! It will be fun! We're gonna take a swim, drink some booze.. it's chill.”  
“Well.. if that's your definition of  _Chill-”_  
Jordan laughed. “Will you trust me and do something fun for once, Please? You're always locked up in your room. Man, you're eighteen. It's  _unhealthy_.”  
Connor shook his head, letting out a sigh while he considered his friend's invitation. Thinking about it.. it was true. Connor hadn't been going out lately because He had been dedicating his whole time to study and Jude. Well, the studying part wasn't that big of a deal.. it was Jude, with his smiles, sweet eyes and all the fake boyfriend thing that was getting out of hand, because every kiss shared and every hug given was damn real and the awareness of Jude not feeling the same was killing Connor inside. Yeah, he definitely needed a break. He looked up at his friend, nodding his head. “You're in?!”  
“I'm in, man.”  
Connor laughed when Jordan let out a shriek of Joy, pulling him into a side hug. “It's gonna be a blast, I promise you!”  
“I'm counting on it.”

 ******

  
As soon as Connor closed the door behind him, he was met with Jude's warm smile, sprawled on the couch as he was reading some magazines.

“Hey.”  
Connor forced a smile, trying to swallow the lump in his throat that formed everytime Jude was looking at him with those innocent eyes and cute smile.

“What are you doing tonight?” Jude suddenly asked him, shifting a bit on the couch so that Connor could sit next to him.

“Jordan invited me to a party.” Connor replied shortly, feeling some guilt swelling inside of his chest; He felt bad because he'd accepted to help Jude but at the same he really felt the need to take a break –for one night-- from from all of that façade and his own feelings developing, during the previous weeks, in a way that was scaring the hell out of Connor.

“Oh.” Jude's lips parted, forming a O, as he nodded his head. Connor released a breath he didn't know he was holding and then he started cursing himself under his breath, for feeling like he had to give some sort of explanations.. they weren't a real couple afterall, even though he was starting to develops true --definitely one sided-- feelings towards Jude.  
“What about you?” Connor asked him and Jude just shrugged before uttering in a small, detached voice. “I'm not sure, to be honest.. Taylor said she wanted to hangout so..” Connor frowned, looking carefully at Jude's features as he spoke; He seemed off.   
“Well.. Good luck with that!” Connor tried to ease the tension between them by using a light, playful tone but Jude kept looking absent mindedly at the floor.

"Well, I'm going to take a nap." Jude nodded his head in response. "Have fun with Taylor."

"You too... with _Jordan._ " When Jude finally spoke Connor frowned in confusion as he detected a hint of bitterness in his voice. Before he had the chance to ask him if anything was wrong, Jude stood up. "I'm going to take a nap too. I need energy to put up with Taylor, tonight." He replied, cracking a weak smile before leaving the room.

Connor stood there, sitting on the couch as his gaze was fixed on the empty spot previously filled by Jude. At Some point Connor suddenly groaned in frustration, feeling exasperation taking over his body. That's the reason why Connor needed a break for one night; Jude was able to make him feel butterflies filling his stomach and killing them at the same time. Connor couldn't hold back the snort leaving his mouth, thinking about the way Jude said Jordan's name; It sounded like he was jealous about Connor having plans with him.. But that was impossible because, according to Connor, Jude didn't have feelings for him.. It was just a façade. His feelings for Jude were definitely one sided, then why he sounded so pissed about having plans with His friend? He shook his head, getting up from the couch and heading to his room to take a nap and hopefully, turn off all of his thoughts.

****

 

Connor walked into the huge room where lots of people were getting drunk and splashing each other into the huge olympic pool.

"Connor! Man, You made it!" Jordan's voice echoed through the whole room. Connor greeted him by smiling warmly before taking few steps towards the edge of the pool, where Jordan was leaning against.

"Come on, man! Show everybody your ABS and get your ass in the pool! " Jordan's enthusiasm was contagious. Connor smiled, taking off his shirt and jeans shorts before diving into the pool.

"Wow this is amazing."

"told ya!" Jordan's cheery voice quickly turned quite low pitched as he suddenly murmured. "You know, everybody was wondering where the hell have you been in the last few weeks."

"Well.. I've been busy." Connor replied calmly, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion, "I didn't realized you've been missing me that much." Connor's voice was filled with a playful edge that quickly faded away when he watched Jordan blushing. His eyes widened in shock as Jordan started stuttering. "Well.. Yeah, I kinda missed you.."

"Oh fuck" Connor thought as he was starting to freak out. "This isn't happening. Oh God... "

"Connor I-" the exact moment Jordan was about to saying something --apparently-- important, He got hit by a ball in the head.

"-Sorry!"

Connor's eyes widened in surprise when he saw Jude swimming towards them to get the ball.

"Jude?!"

"Hey, Con!" Jude's voice was oddly cheery and high pitched as he greeded his roommate --slash-- fake boyfriend, then he saw Jordan and his smile fell, greeting him with glacial tone. "Jordan."

"Jude" Jordan spat out, coldly. Jude's eyes were sparkling with a bright light as he approached Connor from behind, wrapping his arms around his neck. Jordan's mouth fell open as he watched the boys exchange. "Con? Um.. I didn't know about you and-"

"it's new." Jude replied, smirking all along. He felt Connor shivering when he brushed his lips against his ear as he was addressing to Jordan. " We haven't really told anyone yet. Right Con?"

"Mm? Oh yeah." Connor blushed when Jude's chest brushed against his back.

"Well.. I-" Jordan sighed, running his hand through his wet hair. "I thought this date-"

"-Date?" Jude gasped, addressing to Connor with voice extremely low so that was out of Jordan's reach. "You didn't tell me it was a date." Connor sighed, taking few steps towards Jordan forgetting for a moment that he had Jude wrapped around his torso like a very cute Koala.

"Jordan.. I didn't know you were gay. I-I'm sorry but.."

"It's okay." Jordan replied with sharp tone. "I'll leave you two alone, now. Have fun."  Once Jordan was out of sight, Connor shrugged Jude's body off him."What the hell, dude?"  The smile on Jude's lips quickly turned into a frown as he watched Connor getting more pissed with each passing seconds. "Were you following me?" 

"Wh-- no!" Jude retorted, defensively. "Taylor suggested it! I didn't even know you would be here! I didn't know you liked him, I though I was doing you a favour.

 "I don't." Connor rushed to say. "I don't like him. Not like that." _Not like I like you._. Connor wanted to add, but he bit his tongue, saying instead. "But it doesn't explain why you had to act like a jealous boyfriend when we both know, very well, that it's just a façade."

Jude's face fell as soon as the words were out of Connor's lips and that confused Connor even more. Connor felt his lungs constricting and a swelling pain spreading through his chest when he noticed that Jude's lip started to tremble. It feels like his body was suddenly deprived of life.

 "You're right. I'm so sorry, Connor. " Jude agreed with voice almost inaudible Before turning around. Connor was extremely tired of Jude's mixed signals And before thinking about it twice the words were slipping out of his lips. "Were you jealous?"

Jude freezed on his spot , not turning around. He couldn't face him. He couldn't say to Connor that yes, he was so jealous that it hurt. That for him, had never truly been a façade. That he was willing to fake if that meant that he had to get a taste of what dating Connor Stevens felt like. That he'd dreamed about him since high school and he'd never stopped, Not even when he was trying so hard to repress those feelings or the memory of Connor giving up on their friendship so easily. Connor wasn't interested in him, not enough to stand up to his father when they were just kids and definitely not in that moment when he clearly seemed exhasperated by his presence. Jude had done a mess with the whole fake boyfriend thing and he needed to fix it before getting hurt (more than he already was.) It was all fiction, Connor kept saying it and --even though Jude started it-- he felt like it had been reality all along.

"No." Jude lied, letting out a whimper provoked by Connor's chest brushing against His back. Jude closed his eyes, breathing heavily as he said, "I think we should--"

"What?"

Jude finally turned around and despite the painful void in his chest and some tears threatening to fall, he managed to crack an apologetic smile to Connor,. " I'm really grateful for what you've done for me." Jude was aware that he was just stalling. Like the voice inside of him screaming not to, the last thing Jude wanted was saying those words but what he wanted more was Connor to be happy and only in that moment Jude realised how selfish he'd been when he'd asked Connor to be his fake boyfriend.

"You are an amazing friend, Connor." Jude sighed, locking eyes with the blond boy who was looking at him with huge, frightened eyes, he wasn't even blinking. "Thank you, for everything you've done for me during these past few weeks." 

"Jude.." Jude closed his eyes tight the moment he felt the first tears falling over his cheeks. His voice broke into sobs, slowly opening his eyes when he felt Connor's hand gently laying on his cheek. The sight was so heartbreaking that left him breathless.. Connor's face was scratched with tears, falling uncontrollably over his cheeks and on his lips. His eyes were puffed and red as they locked into Jude's.

"Okay." Connor exhaled deeply, trying to calm the raging storm within himself. "I just need to say something first."

"Sure, Con. You can tell me everything.. You know that." Somehow Jude's reassuring tone made him even more nervous. If Jude wanted to "end" whatever that was, he had to know the truth. Connor took deep breaths before looking into Jude's eyes with a determination that startled Jude. Connor watched him swallowing thickly, before returning his gaze. 

" Jude... During these past two weeks..."

"Yes?" Jude's heart was threatening to burst out of his chest as he waited for Connor to continue.  Connor sighed softly, gently stroking Jude's flushed cheeks as finally, the truth came out. “I've never faked it with you, Jude.” Jude's heart leapt. “My feelings for you have always been real.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6544327/chapters/16006645


	6. My world's nothing when you're gone.

 

 

Never in a million years Jude would expect to hear those words slipping off Connor's lips.

"W-What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said." Connor's face flushed red as he explained. "I have feelings - _real feelings-_ for you."

Jude still couldn't believe this was happening, it all felt surreal and dream like. He couldn't believe Connor felt the same as him.

"You don't have to say it back." Connor said with soft voice when Jude's mouth fell open in shock. "I'm not expecting you to feel the same way."

But Jude did. Hell, he've waited his entire life for this.

_"I do."_

Jude did his best to force the words out so when His voice came out low pitched and scratched by his dry throat, he repeated them again. Connor's mouth fell open in surprise as a jolt of happiness made his way through his whole body, his brain felt dizzy with the force of it because after everything that happened between them Connor didn't even allowed himself to think that there was even the smallest chance that Jude could like him back, but surprise! Jude liked him too.

“Y-You.. R-really?”

Jude laughed brightly as he watched Connor's face break in a blazing smile. They both started laughing, unable to swipe the smile off their faces, equally relieved to get one big, heavy weight off their shoulders so it was natural that now, they couldn't even keep their smile at bay , it was impossible to.

“M-Maybe we should go somewhere quieter.” Jude suggested into his ear, giving a low chuckle at Connor's flushed cheeks. _“To talk..”_ He added because Connor's first thought went _there._

“Right.” Connor smiled as he took him by his hands, leading Jude outside of the pool.

Jude felt pretty disappointed when Connor pulled his shirt back on and he told him exactly that on their way back to their room.

“Feel free to get rid of your shirt.” Connor laughed as he gave him a cheeky look. “I won't complain.”

“I bet you wouldn't. ”

Jude blushed as they stepped into the room.

"So..." Connor started as the door was closed securely behind their backs, facing Jude. The both of them not showing any indication to move from that spot.

"I..Um, okay I'm so.." Connor trailed off with a soft low chuckle, voice almost breathless. "This is so weird."

"It is." Jude breathed out, his heart almost jumping out of this chest.

_"So, I like you."_

Jude heard those words earlier, in the pool, but hearing the same words said with no one but Connor looking at him, the two of them alone in that room, It made it felt real, terribly so. Jude's whole frame was buzzing with energy as he took a step close, encircling his arms around Connor waist because hearing those words made him urge to feel Connor's warmth and hands on his skin. He felt a primal urge that probably wasn't going to go away, ever.

"Jude..."

Jude liked him, of course he did, and wanted to tell him just that but the realiziation that Connor liked him, _for real,_ and probably wanted to be his boyfriend, _his real boyfriend_ , was too much to deal with.

Jude would said those words anytime, anywhere, at whataver hours of the day and how many times Connor needed to hear them. _Just not right now._

Jude was breathing so sharply that a sharp pain started developing in his chest.

Emotion, simple heart stopping emotion that almost felt like a short circuit so blazing and spreading with so much intensity through his whole body that kept him from doing the simple actions like talking or moving a muscle even. His whole body was weak and on the verge of falling apart, But Connor needed to know that he felt the same and the only way to tell Connor was in a non verbal way, at least for this time.

He was going to have an eternity to tell Connor how much he liked him.

He saw Connor close his eyes clearly aware of how close their lips were, maybe two inches apart and Jude was so close that could feel every single detail of that moment, like Connor's breath gentle and short against his lips or his tongue slowly darting out to lick his bottom lip or his hand shaking as he cupped the back of Jude's neck.. 

"I've waited this for so long.."

 "Me too." Jude wanted to cry. "I've waited for this moment to happen since I was thirteen.."

Connor's eyes slowly opened at Jude's trembling voice. Their eyes met and neither of them was surprised when tears were gathering into both of their eyes.

"Why didn't you?"

Jude's lips slightly parted as he inhaled sharply through his nose. His heart raced inside of his chest as fragments of that period flooded through his mind, sadly realizing that they were as painful as he remembered. “Jude. _I've.. I've waited for you."_

"W-What? When?" Jude asked him with eyes blown wide. What Connor meant? Where did he wait for him? And Why?

"At the hospital.." Connor silently started crying as he shook his head in disappoint. Those memories were hurting him too, apparently because he lifted up his hazel, now rimmed red eyes making Jude's heart sink.

" When I got shot in the foot.. I've waited for you to come see me at the hospital but you never came! I.. I came out to my dad.. I--" Connor trailed off with a sob. Jude was too shocked to even try to give Connor an explanation. Everytime he tried to cut him off, nothing but puffs of air came out.

Jude was petrified. Connor kept crying. The both of them were crying.

"I was ready for you. I was ready to fight against the entire world for you-- _for us_ \-- b-but you left me, you walked out of my life, Jude. " 

_"I came."_

Connor's mouth fell open in disbelief. Either Jude was lying because there was no way that he'd came to see him without him notice. Unless...

_"My father.."_

_Of course he had something to do with it._

Jude nodded as tears were streaming down his face. "I came to see you, Connor but your father told me you didn't want to see me anymore and.. and that it was all my idea! He told me you hated me for getting you shot and I couldn't handle it! I was just a thirteen years old scared of his own feelings and I-I thought you chased me away from my life so I just respected your choice, even though I now realize I should have fought for you. I-I should have talked to you and not letting you walk away from me!”

"So you.. came? To see me? Y-you wanted to see me after everything that happened?"

Jude nodded frantically as he told Connor.

"I wanted it too. I wanted to see you. I wanted to be with you but I thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore and it hurt like hell, Connor. I..I spent the rest of my school years pretend like It didn't hurt me seeing you with Daria or--"

"We broke up." Connor cried out. His cheeks red and scratched with tears. "I broke up with Daria a week after that.. W-we kept hanging out because she was the only friend I had left as I said... it was a phase. Y-You are the one I've always wanted so I j-just had to learn how to life my life without you in it.”

“I had no idea..” Jude was a trembling mess, his hands and forehead were sweating, his heart racing, cheeks flushed and rambling disconnected words coming out of his lips. “I.. You.. I thought.. I thought you hated me! Oh God, C-Connor.”

“Hey..” Connor hugged him, pressing his nose into the crook of Jude's neck as he closed his eyes and let his scent washing over him. _“ We're here now, right? Y-You still want to do this?”_

Jude nodded, giving a soft gasp of surprise when Connor's lips landed on a sensitive spot on his neck.

“It tickles!”  
“I know that! ”  
Jude's startled eyes looked back at his own. “H-How do you know that?”

Connor's blushed got redder as he stuttered. “Um.. w-we had sex, remember?”

“Oh.” Jude laughed softly.. “Yeah, right.. um.. about that..”  
“Yes?”

“I.. I kind of lied to you.”  
“Jude.” Connor told him sweetly. “I know that was your first time..”  
Jude's eyes grew even bigger if that was possible. “H-How? Oh my God, Don't tell me I've talked in my sleep.”

Connor chuckled as he shook his head.

“No... you.. um, you told me before.. you know.. I think your exact words were _' be gentle with that, that's the first time it's being tested? Or something along these lines.”_

Jude gave a hollow laugh as he hid his face between his hands.  
“That's so lame, Jesus.. you're allowed to change your mind, you know? You have my permission, dude, seriously.”

Connor laughed as lowered Jude's hands off his face, letting Jude's thumb wipe away a solitary tear running down his cheek.

“Why should I when you're finally mine? I mean.. if you'd let me.”

Jude closed the gap between their lips and that was reason enough to lean in, pull Jude as close as impossible and never let one another go this time. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay.... It's been a while, I know.. and I've finally found the inspiration to write an ending for this fic since I had no inspiration left for this one.  
> So, it's done but that doesn't mean I won't be writing oneshots for this one... like their first date, or their second time or every prompt that comes across my mind.  
> Thank you for reading and sorry for the wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Every comment is very appreciated and motivating :)


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